Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
