Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
