Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
