I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
