My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
