To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
