I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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