We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
