You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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