also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
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Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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