no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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