When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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