I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
