she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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