Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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