The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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