Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
