I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
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Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
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best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really