How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
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90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
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guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.