I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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