ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
