i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
