God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
