Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
