Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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