Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
