I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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