I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have fence marks all over my body
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
