need another drink. this is the easiest way
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
