I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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