just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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