I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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