why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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