I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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