Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
