the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
