A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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