I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
