does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
