i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
