we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
