all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
