my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
