i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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