i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
