I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
