Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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