dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
