I just threw up on my dentist
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Two words: blizzard sex
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
