i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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