I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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