I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
