if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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