My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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