its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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