Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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