Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
