I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Panties = found
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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