He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We're too hungover to prance.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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