Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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