I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
