The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
