My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
