the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
