A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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